To Be a Good Pregnancy Surrogate, It Helps to Be a Dominatrix First
Hiring someone to carry your baby to term is a booming business. The market for surrogacy is expected to expand to $129 billion by 2032, fueled by older parents, rising infertility, and more same-sex families. Silicon Valley contributes to the growth too: Tech companies like Google, Meta, and Snap pitch in up to $80,000 toward the six-figure cost of the process.
Yet it’s still controversial to “rent a womb” (as detractors call it). One human rights expert for the United Nations said that commercial surrogacy “usually amounts to the sale of children.” Critics claim the practice exploits poor women who are not fully informed of the hazards; in fact, the United States is one of the only developed countries that allows pregnancy for profit.
The stereotypical gestational carrier is a stay-at-home mom who wants to earn income without leaving her kids. Many surrogates do fit that mold, but backgrounds and experiences vary greatly. One West Coast surrogate who has carried two sets of twins for parents in California and China opens up about what it’s been like for her.
In 2010, my best friend died of an accidental overdose, and I found his body a few days later. After that trauma, I went through a long period of examining my purpose. As a mother, I thought it would be really cool if I could give other people their reason for getting up in the morning. I also loved being pregnant: Surrogacy sounded like the world’s greatest part-time job.
I went through rigorous physical and psychological testing. Then I read tons of files from intended parents, waiting for that “click.” Finally, I met an older, single guy—let’s call him Greg. As a queer woman, I felt a strong community obligation to make babies for the gays. Surrogacy can be more accessible than adoption for some people. Greg told me, “I’m an older, gay, single dad. Do you know how hard it would be for me to adopt an infant?”
The doctor transferred three embryos into my uterus, hoping for one, but we got all three. For 13 weeks, literally all I did was eat, sleep, and grow humans. I was healthy, but because of the risks to the babies, Greg ultimately decided to reduce the triplets down to twins.
My doctor made me labor in the operating room in case something went haywire, but I delivered both twins vaginally. Twenty minutes after pushing them out, I got up off the table, walked to the bed, and asked for a sandwich.
A few years later, an agency reached out and told me a couple in China were offering Scrooge McDuck buckets of money. I had student loans, so that pregnancy was purely a monetary decision. It’s become very popular to have surrogacy done in the US, because the babies are automatically citizens. The Chinese couple had specifically sex-selected for girls, which was cool. Those twins were naturally a little smaller, so I didn’t feel like I was schlepping giant Clydesdale babies around. The parents also asked me to give birth on a certain day since it was lucky. I was like, “Fine, whatever you want. I’m just going to be eating croissants.”
For the six weeks after birth, I would drop off pumped breast milk and see the babies. The family made me fresh dumplings. It was a very nice situation. I still get pictures of the girls.
I happened to be a professional dominatrix for 18 years. I suspect that having a very good grasp on boundaries and consent in my private life has translated into my professional life. It makes it easier to be able to say no. My medical autonomy is very important to me. These are your children, but this is my body, and I’m going to make the decisions that are best for everyone involved. It’s also important to me to choose how I labor and choose my own doctor. I heard of one surrogate whose intended parents didn’t want her to have any pain management during delivery. That’s a no for me, dog. Give me that sweet epidural.
If something is important to you, you need to put it in the contract. I knew a surrogate whose family asked if she’d keep kosher while pregnant. Others want the surrogate to eat only organic. If you agree to something and then don’t do it, the intended parents can sue for breach of contract. If I violated my agreement, it specified that I’d be on the hook for about $50,000—about $20,000 more than I was being paid.
Being a surrogate is like being a super-intensive nanny: You absolutely can care about the kids, but they’re not yours. When you’re pregnant with your own, you’re dreaming about them and naming them and nesting for them. With surrogacy, it’s not the same. I love getting pictures of the twins, but I’m not in love with them.
I often get asked, “Is surrogacy exploitative?” Usually young women ask this, in a very snide way. I have to gently explain that I was paid for a service. I was paid very well. I was treated fairly, so I don’t feel exploited at all. Other people’s experiences can be different, of course.
People grossly undervalue the physical effort it takes to carry a baby. They think, “You just gain a little weight and then you pop out a kid.” No: People die all the time in childbirth. So understand that a surrogate is putting themselves in a dangerous medical situation to help other people. And I think it’s fair that they are compensated for that risk
—As told to Emi Nietfeld
