75 Hysterical Parents Who Tweeted Through Another LooOOOoooOOong Year Of Parenthood

This little boy got in my car with the kids and I assumed it was one of their friends. I asked his name and introduced myself. He gets out of the car and my kids say “I don’t know that boy. I guess he just wanted a ride”. 💀💀💀

— Princess (@themultiplemom) June 14, 2023

Mid-tantrum, 6yo paused to write MAMA and DADA, then crossed out both words. Shocked by his own cruelty, he crumpled the page muttering “not nice of me.”

— Emily Adrian (@adremily) May 23, 2023

Me: *holding on by my fingernails*
My kid’s school: Next week is dress like a trapezoid day.
Me: But why—
School: Also bring six small pumpkins.
Me: Can’t we just—
School: The bake sale starts at noon.
Me: So help me, I—
School: One word. JOGATHON.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) October 16, 2023

5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”

Reader, his name is HARVEY.

— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 16, 2023

Today at pick-up, the childcare teacher informed me that my darling son was caught red-handed trying to eat another child’s banana. She showed me the confiscated banana as proof. I looked over at him sternly, and caught him trying to eat yet another child’s banana.

— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) July 21, 2023

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

— Jack Bernhardt (@jackbern23) October 27, 2023

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023

My 7yo has captured Monday energy perfectly.
Today she woke up and said “mommy do you ever wake up and want to say bad words”

All the time baby girl. All. The. Time.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 16, 2023

I let my 17yo have a small(ish) party while I was out of town. His friends are a good group and wasn’t worried about any crazy behavior. We talked about how it went. And I said “next time..” he cut me off-“I don’t think there will be a next time. It took me like 3 hours to clean”

— Dawn Kasal Finley(she/her) 🖤 (@kasal_finley) March 22, 2023

I heard a strange sound on the baby monitor so I went to check

the dog is on the chair looking guilty and the baby has dog hair in his mouth

— ❄️mari-lwyd odent❄️ (@oldenoughtosay) April 24, 2023

PARENT PROTIP: Don’t read that email from the school; save your energy for the follow-up with corrections they’ll send in a few minutes.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 6, 2023

Turns out I’m raising a real New Yorker.

My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, “I’m glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.”

— Ben Furnas (@bfurnas) October 7, 2023

Sorry kids I missed your childhood I was trying to figure out which app to use to seek validation from strangers

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 6, 2023

5 year old: Something happened in the kitchen.

Husband: what was it?

5yo: A ghost was doing experiments.

Us: …………….oh no

— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 18, 2023

Discovered my 6yo has been challenging my work colleagues to Words with Friends on my account and she solely plays with “fart” “poop” and “butt” words

…so it appears as though 𝙄 solely play with “fart” “poop” and “butt” words 😬

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 17, 2023

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023

Giving my classroom gluesticks human names has been revolutionary. Does a student care if a glue stick goes missing? No! Do they care if DEREK the glue stick has not been returned? ABSOLUTELY. It’s like a manhunt until Derek has been returned to his rightful spot.

— Miss B (@MissBThe3rd) September 27, 2023

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a ‘caveman iPad’ and I am still in shambles

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) October 9, 2023

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 14, 2023

Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023

My finest parenting moment is when I sent my son to daycare in a jean jumpsuit and then at pickup, his shy teacher whispered “the jean jumpsuit was a sensation” and informed me that word had spread throughout the school and teachers were traveling from other classrooms to see it

— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) July 28, 2023

When I was 8 I told kids I had an imaginary pet dragon and somehow I got turned into the school psychologist who made me attend mandatory therapy w her until she forced me to admit the dragon was fake and like…honestly, that was psycho behavior on her part

— Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) April 5, 2023

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 8, 2023

me: It’s important to tell your parents everything.

my 8yo: when mommy woke up this morning she looked 100 years old.

me: whatever you do don’t tell her that.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 5, 2023

Yet another friend has been struck down by teenage pregnancy. We’re almost in our thirties but still…

— Krystle Zara (is writing book 2) (@krystlezara) January 13, 2023

drama in the school whatsapp chat! the PTA invited us all to a coronation party and one of the dads (who’s a professor of colonial history) said eat my dick

— Emma Szewczak (@EmmaSzewczak) May 3, 2023

My 2yo, Miguel, had taken off his diaper at some point during his nap and when I walked in and saw it on the floor, he looked at me and said: “WHY’D YOU DO THAT, MIGUEL?????”

— emily (@emilykmay) October 13, 2023

My son is named my Eli.

My golf instructor is named Eli.

I texted my son to tell him to take the dogs and the trash out.

My golf instructor then texted me, “is 1030 tomorrow okay?”

I fired back a not so nice message… 🤦🏽‍♂️

— Jerome Adams (@JeromeAdamsMD) July 14, 2023

My baby ate meat for the first time yesterday & overnight her poop transformed from what appeared to be repurposed spinach to a completely vile, fetid paste & I’ve never more thoroughly considered becoming a vegetarian until this moment.

— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) July 6, 2023

A little girl at Pride with her mouth stained BRIGHT red just passed with her family, looked directly at us, held up the drink her hand, and in the most feral voice imaginable exclaimed “I got JUICE!!!!” 😭😭😭

— Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 25, 2023

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023

I called a family meeting and my 8yo gone say, “is this a paid meeting”.

I be positive parenting but children don’t be positive childrening.

— Princess (@themultiplemom) July 17, 2023

I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes “I’ll tell the other Elliots” and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said “ill tell the other diesels” which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 3, 2023

Whenever my 3yo says, “Mommy WUVS to have drinks for GROWN-UPS” I feel a mild stab of regret that we chose this term to discourage him from constantly asking to try my seltzer

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) October 24, 2023

Sex ed for teens should include loading kids, stroller, and groceries/sports equipment into the car while it’s pouring rain.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 24, 2023

my sister often runs late, so my dad always tells her to arrive 30 mins earlier than she needs to. she caught on to this and started trying to arrive 30 mins late, but now she simply runs late beyond that. will my dad now set her even earlier meeting times? this could spiral

— Shaun (shaunvids on bsky) (@shaun_vids) October 23, 2023

The baby’s sleep is so bad that I am tempted to ask the Facebook moms for help. I AM NOT GOING TO. BUT THAT’S HOW BAD THINGS ARE.

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) November 5, 2023

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 4, 2023

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 21, 2023

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2023

yesterday kiddo woke up from his nap crying, then fell asleep on me while we rocked on his chair. when he woke up again he said “count the mommies,” first pointed to the corner in the dark, said “one!” and then at me and said “two!” so that’s been on my mind a bit

— o tarynbaum, o tarynbaum 🌲 (@peepsaregood) June 15, 2023

At a school art fair and spent a while marveling at the depth of this 6th grader’s piece titled “feel the feeling” before I realized the painting had just slipped out of the cardboard frame and was on the floor below it pic.twitter.com/rbH00tNojK

— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 1, 2023

my kid turned 15 seven minutes ago and the first thing he did was call his buddy, who is 4 days younger than him, and said “how does it feel to be 14, idiot?”

— Sen. Lemon Gogurt ugarles.bsky.social (@Ugarles) July 19, 2023

My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023

Now that my kid is in high school, I’m trying to be his silent sideline support system, but last night he told me his English teacher is making him put 2 spaces after a period, and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT INTERVENE?!?

— Sara Moore Wagner (@SaraMooreWagne1) September 27, 2023

My husband told me to lock my bedroom door so I could have a little break. 5 was very concerned that I might not know who was knocking and saying Mama every few minutes, so he slid this under the door. “It’s me, Mom. Your son.” pic.twitter.com/XJGp6PxXia

— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) September 2, 2023

This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2023

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 27, 2023

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

— angela “turns pastors into poets” weiler-hammond (@AngelaEWeiler) October 24, 2023

Picked my oldest up from school an hour early, unplanned, with McDonald’s, because the video game he wanted for his birthday next week dropped today and I spent all morning downloading it and I couldn’t wait.

He better put me in the *nicest* nursing home someday.

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) October 24, 2023