If comedians only roast the ones they adore, then Lorne Michaels is going to really be feeling the love on his 79th birthday this week. With that many candles creating a dangerous fire hazard, we decided to decorate the cake of the legendary Saturday Night Live producer with 79 sick burns from the cast, writers and celebrity guests who helped him ascend to his lofty comedy throne. Happy birthday, big guy.
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Chris Rock
“Lorne Michaels makes you wait two, three hours to see him.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Janeane Garofalo
“I waited for Lorne for five hours.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Bobby Moynihan
“I waited, like, nine hours on the couch outside his office.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Colin Jost
“Six hours later, I met with Lorne Michaels.” (A Very Punchable Face: A Memoir)
Janeane Garofalo
“That’s a power thing. Then, when he realizes you’ll do it, he can’t respect you. How could he? You’ve shown him your weakness. You’ve shown him that you will wait four or five hours and that you’ll take it. There’s your first mistake.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
‘SNL’ Writer and Lorne Ex-Wife Rosie Shuster
“I don’t think Lorne ever apologized to people for keeping them waiting for a long, long time.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Journalist Chris Smith
“Executive producer Lorne Michaels still hasn’t figured out how to put the fun back in dysfunctional.” (New York Magazine)
Jenny Slate
“I have no idea how Lorne felt about me. All I know is, it didn’t work for me, and I got fired.” (InStyle)
Jane Curtin
“I would say, ‘Why aren’t you doing something about John (Belushi)? I found him going through my purse. He set your loft on fire. His behavior is reprehensible. He’s not coming to rehearsals, or if he does come, he comes three hours late. Do something!’ And he didn’t. He would just sort of throw his hands in the air. Lorne doesn’t deal with issues.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Authors Doug Hill and Jeff Weingrad
“(Lorne) became a different man: imperious, even regal. … No longer a slightly scruffy, ambitious, romantic Young Turk. … He would withdraw into his own center. He created an enormous black hole, an impermeable mirror.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Adam Sandler
Between seasons, I heard a rumor
That I was getting the sack
I tried to call Lorne Michaels
But he never called me back
Julia Sweeney
“I could not take one fucking more Friday night, trying to get in to see Lorne, outside of Lorne’s office on the ninth floor, with this bevy of girls, and their latest outfits and their magazines and their fingernail polish, on the phone, making sure that Steve Martin got the flowers on his anniversary, even though he’s broken up with Victoria Tennant, and the hilarious note that Lorne wrote to Steve Martin that has to go with the flowers, which must be birds-of-paradise! They’d slip in and out of Lorne’s office going, ‘Shush! Lorne’s in a very bad mood today.’” (New York Magazine)
Rosie Shuster
“Talking to Lorne is like talking to tundra.” (New York Magazine)
Albert Brooks
“Once the show took off and the Not Ready for Prime Time Players had started to become famous, having me out on the other coast was… I really wasn’t needed anymore. I wasn’t part of (Lorne’s) group. And because I had contractual demands about when and how the films would run, I just became a pain in the neck. I was resented.” (The Playboy Interview: Funny People)
A ‘Recently Departed ‘SNL’ Star’
“You could always tell when the Knicks or the opera were in town. That’s the only time Lorne made sure the Wednesday-night script read-through started on schedule.” (New York Magazine)
Michael O’Donoghue
“How dare he lecture me on comedy?” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Norm Macdonald
“He is quietly confident, smart, funny, and he always carries a dagger. These four qualities combine to make for an intimidating man.” (Based on a True Story: Not a Memoir)
Bob Odenkirk
“I learned that if I stood next to Lorne I might get yelled at. I stopped doing that.” (Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama: A Memoir )
An Ex-Cast Member
“Lorne wants people to feel insecure. It’s the same techniques cults use — they keep you up for hours, they never let you know that you’re okay, and they always make you think that your spot could be taken at any moment by someone else.” (New York Magazine)
Conan O’Brien
“He has a standard joke if you’re a rookie writer and he doesn’t know you that well. He passed me in the hall once, and he said, ‘Still with the show?’ Then he acted mildly surprised, as if to say, ‘I thought we got rid of you.’ And that’s his little joke: ‘Still with the show?’” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Mark Hamill
“I was asked to host Fridays, which was ABC’s answer to SNL. And I think — I’m not sure, again, I’m just speculating — but I have a feeling that that might have been a factor in not being thought favorably of by Lorne Michaels.” (Esquire)
Tina Fey
“When you work for SNL, Lorne is such a huge part of your life. It’s like the movie The Paper Chase. The guy idolizes his professor and thinks the professor is messing with him. At the end of the movie the student finally has the courage to talk to him, but the professor doesn’t even know who he is. That’s what it’s like with Lorne.” (The Playboy Interview: Funny People)
Lily Tomlin
Tomlin found Michaels “pretentious” and felt he was “subtly undermining” her in conversations. (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
An Ex-‘SNL’ Star with Personal Experience
“To your face, Lorne always wants to be the hero and Santa Claus. But if you try to do a movie that Lorne’s not producing, Brillstein-Grey will let you know he’s not happy.” (New York Magazine)
Bob Odenkirk Being A Little Facetious
“You’re the boss, so you must be out-of-touch. I find you to be distant, cold, imperious, unnecessarily intimidating.” (Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama: A Memoir )
Janeane Garofalo
“If anybody got anti-fan mail or a disparaging note, it would be posted. I didn’t understand that. It was another tactic of breaking you.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Garrett Morris
“Garrett Morris would sometimes chase Lorne down the hall, trying to get him to say hello.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
A Man Who Knows Michaels Well from the Early Years of ‘SNL’
“He wants to be a legend, and he would have LEGENDARY tattooed in his underwear if it were possible.” (New York Magazine)
An NBC Executive
Michaels had what one NBC executive who knew him well called “a confrontational style.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Another NBC Executive
Another executive who dealt with Michaels frequently called him “a whiner, a complainer, a threatener.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
And Yet Another NBC Executive
A third found him “a tyrant.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Two More NBC Executives
A fourth described him as “a deceptive little punk,” a fifth as “a snot-nosed kid, a boy genius, too clever for his own good.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Former ‘SNL’ Underling Ben
“(Michaels) is God. If you were in his presence, you were either lucky or you had done something wrong.” (Burn It Down: Power, Complicity and a Call for Change in Hollywood)
Michael Shannon
“I think Lorne Michaels is scared of me or thinks I smell funny or something.” (Variety’s Awards Circuit Podcast)
Damon Wayans
“I think Lorne Michaels thought he was protecting me by not putting me out there, letting me do my thing. So I started walking around wearing dark shades. When they asked me what was wrong, I said, ‘It’s too white in here, it hurts my eyes.’” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Penny Marshall, to Michaels’ Face
“I think you’re the most manipulative human being I’ve ever met, and you do it beautifully.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
A ‘Longtime Friend’
“He thinks of himself as the fundamental sophisticated New Yorker. It’s one of the weird keys to Lorne’s real personality.” (New York Magazine)
Carol Burnett After Years of Being Dissed by Michaels
“I would not be interested (in hosting SNL). That’s all I can say.” (Fox News Digital)
Victoria Jackson
“I would say ‘Hi, Lorne,’ and he’d completely ignore me. I was one inch away from him and he’d keep walking. It was a kind of scary, weird thing.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
‘SNL’ Writer Alan Zweibel
Zweibel swore Lorne once didn’t look him in the eye for three weeks. (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
A Man Who Knows Michaels Well from the Early Years of ‘SNL’
“Lorne always wanted to be admired — revered, even. Which is different from being famous. Different from being rich. And different from being sexy.” (New York Magazine)
Chris Rock
“Lorne hired me because I was funny and because In Living Color had just come on. I don’t think it was coincidence.” (The Playboy Interview: Funny People)
Ellen Cleghorne
“There’s no Black writers on the show — this is 1995, and I feel like I’m in a really bad sci-fi movie where all the Black people already got killed, and I’m next.” (New York Magazine)
Buck Henry
“Lorne couldn’t fire anybody. He was constitutionally unable to do it. And so, he got other people to do it for him.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
‘SNL’ Stage Manager Joe Dicso
“He always had an answer, quick and offhanded, not friendly. Lorne was full of ‘exactlys’ and ‘ahhs’ and ‘of courses.’ ‘Ahh’ meant he’d made a mistake. There were no apologies.” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Tony Hendra
“Michaels was a one-man Muslim horde.” (Going Too Far: The Rise and Demise of Sick, Gross, Black, Sophomoric, Weirdo, Pinko, Anarchist, Underground, Anti-establishment Humor)
Author Maureen Ryan
Michaels is “the prime minister of his own nation. He has his own laws and his own rules.” (Burn It Down: Power, Complicity, and a Call for Change in Hollywood)
Rob Reiner
“Lorne, you’ve sold me out!” (Saturday Night: A Backstage History of Saturday Night Live)
Jon Lovitz
“Personally, I didn’t think it was fair (missing out on a movie role), because my contract was up and I thought, you know, I did a really good job for five years and I just asked him to miss the first two shows. Lorne later admitted it was a mistake and he should’ve done it that way. For me personally, it’s kind of upsetting, because I really wanted to stay.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Jennifer Aniston
“I was so young and dumb and I went into Lorne’s office and I was like, ‘I hear women are not respected on this show. I don’t remember exactly what I said next, but it was something like, ‘I would prefer if it were like the days of Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin.’ I mean, it was such a boys’ club back then.” (The Hollywood Reporter)
Louis C.K. After Michaels Trimmed His Monologue
“I was angry. I was like, ‘Well, I don’t know. I thought it was pretty good. And fuck you.’” (Sick in the Head: Conversations About Life and Comedy )
Rob Riggle
“I’m always grateful that I got the dream-come-true to be on that show. But I wouldn’t say it’s not dysfunctional.” (Daily Beast)
Author Kliph Nesteroff
“Once a pot-smoking cokehead intent on destroying the old order, he became the most influential leader of the mainstream comedy establishment.” (The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels and the History of American Comedy)
John Landis
“I don’t want to take anything away from Lorne, but he was in the right place at the right time.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Michaela Watkins
“Everybody was presented with contracts except for two people. It is a little rude. It’s like (Lorne said), ‘I just want to say, I love everybody but two of you.’” (Daily Beast)
Sarah Jessica Parker
“I’d come into his office, and he’d put his head down and not pay attention. I decided I wouldn’t take it personally that he wasn’t talking to me. If I had been my normal self, I would have really flipped out, because I would have thought, He doesn’t like me at all.” (New York Magazine)
Bob Odenkirk
“I didn’t respond to the way that (Michaels) likes to approach young performers and set himself up as some kind of distant, very strange Comedy God.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Jay Pharoah
“They put people into boxes. And they want you do what they expect you to do.” (Hot 97)
Lily Tomlin
“He comes in late every day and then he talks to everybody so none of the writers are writing.” (The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels and the History of American Comedy)
Tony Hendra
“He’d gotten early training in appearance over substance as a writer for Laugh-In.” (Going Too Far: The Rise and Demise of Sick, Gross, Black, Sophomoric, Weirdo, Pinko, Anarchist, Underground, Anti-establishment Humor )
Rudy Giuliani After Michaels Asked If ‘SNL’ Could Go Back to Being Funny After 9/11
“Why start now?”
Paul Mooney on Writing Richard Pryor’s Notorious Job Interview Sketch
“Easiest sketch I ever write. All I do is bring out what is going on beneath the surface of that interview with Lorne and the NBC execs in the jai alai greenroom.” (Becoming Richard Pryor)
Janeane Garofalo
“I think when I quit, it was the first time Lorne ever respected me, to be honest. … The nicest he was was after I quit, and I think he had a bizarre respect and then also, in some way, he hated me, you know? He despised me and was pleased that I quit.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
David Spade
“One of the many wise things Lorne tells each cast member early on is that ‘people will tell you you’re the funniest person on the show. You’re not.’ That kind of cold reality really takes your legs out from under you right out of the gate.” (Almost Interesting)
Colin Jost
“Lorne is truly a paradox. Half parade, half ox.” (A Very Punchable Face: A Memoir)
Jay Mohr
“To some people in the entertainment community — and certainly many former cast members — Lorne Michaels was downright diabolical. To them, Lorne was a man who would step on his grandmother’s throat to make a nickel. He was daft and put on airs. He was completely out of touch, notably with how uncool he had become. He also had no recollection of how cool he once was.” (Gasping for Airtime: Two Years in the Trenches of Saturday Night Live)
Chevy Chase
“If Lorne had put his arms around me and given me a hug and asked me to stay, then I probably would have. But he didn’t.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Writers Tom Davis and Tom Schiller Goofing on Michaels While He Was in a Bathroom Stall
Schiller: What was (Michaels) thinking of? What a disaster.
Davis: I know. Maybe he’s starting to lose it, finally.
Still no sound from Michaels.
Schiller: He’s turning into an asshole.
Davis: I’ll say. (39 Years of Short-Term Memory Loss: The Early Days of SNL from Someone Who Was There)
Tina Fey
“I could have never guessed that in a few years I’d be sitting in that office at two, three, four in the morning, thinking, ‘If this meeting doesn’t end soon, I’m going to kill this Canadian bastard.’” (Bossypants)
Jane Curtin
“Lorne and I stopped speaking… He wouldn’t answer my questions.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Harry Shearer
“I would say that when the first words that a guy says to you when he’s offering you a job are, quote, ‘I’ve never really hired a male Jew for the company before. I’ve always gone for the Chicago Catholic thing,’ unquote, that puts you on a certain notice that the relationship is going to be interesting.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Tony Hendra
“He gave (viewers) the appearance of danger and change, the appearance that anything could happen — when in fact, nothing would.” (Going Too Far: The Rise and Demise of Sick, Gross, Black, Sophomoric, Weirdo, Pinko, Anarchist, Underground, Anti-establishment Humor )
Groundlings Comic John Paragon
“I was told that Lorne had a way of punishing and rewarding. He would pull a sketch or replace an actor in a sketch, depending on whether or not they pleased him — like Captain Bligh. My experience was that he was totally hands on and a control freak.” (You Might Remember Me: The Life and Times of Phil Hartman)
Colin Jost
“There was zero rehearsal for what was probably one of the most important moments in all of our lives. I remember that halfway through the auditions, I was so angry at Lorne for not letting us rehearse that I actually got better. My skills were sharpened by rage, like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, or Mel Gibson in The Patriot, or Mel Gibson during a routine traffic stop.” (A Very Punchable Face: A Memoir)
Jane Curtin, After Chevy Chase and John Belushi Said Women Aren’t Funny
“Lorne didn’t help, because that isn’t what Lorne did. Oh, it was ridiculous. It was just insane.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Rosie Shuster
“Was Lorne prejudiced against female writers? I think sometimes we had to try harder.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
Jay Mohr
“When friends would ask me what type of guy Lorne was, all I could muster was an ‘I don’t really know.’” (Gasping for Airtime: Two Years in the Trenches of Saturday Night Live)
Nora Dunn
“Lorne felt I didn’t talk to him, but he was not accessible. He was never accessible.” (Live From New York: The Complete Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live )
George Carlin
“A fucking hands-and-knees cocksucker.” (The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy)
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