Welcome, welcome. You’ve survived another brutally hot, very chaotic summer. It’s time to reward yourself with some laughs as we head into fall. Enjoy!
3.
I am sitting next to a French-speaking family at Whole Foods, and their son (maybe 8 or 9?) asked what I was doing on my laptop. I said: “I’m working on my lunch break.” And he said, in an adorable French accent: “Ah! I did not know that people could work on their lunch breaks!”
— Laura J. Nelson 🦅 (@laura_nelson) August 27, 2024
5.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
— alexa (@mariokartdwi) August 29, 2024
7.
Me: what a nice weekend. I’m in such a good mood. Time to fly home
TSA agent: well if it isn’t the dumbest and ugliest bitch in the world
— ALJ Dredd (@UnionSaltBae) September 2, 2024
9.
Adult friendships are crazy cuz you’ll be asking each other shit like are u free at the end of October?
— Pastor Kyle. (@itsqail) August 28, 2024
11.
i take the responsibility of being in someone’s close friends very seriously. idc if u not spilling tea… im not telling a single soul you had that grilled cheese for lunch. FBI couldn’t waterboard it out of me
— folake aina (@f0lake) September 1, 2024
14.
My dad worked 16 hours a day on minimum wage and had a secret apartment and family in the 90’s. This economy is insane
— 3peatPfizer (@StanFritz) August 29, 2024
19.
hey honey, remember the conversation we had earlier this week? well, everyone on Reddit says that you are the asshole.
— Skyler Higley (@skyler_higley) August 28, 2024
21.
made eye contact in the office bathroom mirror while washing my hands as the man went straight to the door from the urinal so then he pivots to the sink and said “guess we’re still doing all that even after covid haha” pic.twitter.com/kMUcwBnMs6
— chase. (@cfree94) August 29, 2024
HBO / Via Twitter: @cfree94
22.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
— Heifer Hotline (@janetheeesq) August 27, 2024
23.
I used to volunteer at the ER at a children’s hospital in college and the whole gig was arguing with kids about their favorite superhero until they forgot their arm was broken
— Żarówka (@BivouacChillin) August 28, 2024
25.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
— Meg (@megannn_lynne) August 28, 2024
26.
me and the girls all got oasis tickets so we can hear wonderwall live 😍 do they have any other big songs we should listen to before we go x
— debbs 🇵🇸 (@debbsboyd) August 31, 2024
27.
went to shit at gas station and there was a cockroach in the stall I took the plunger and shood him out under the door no sooner did I sit down to shit a man walked in farted loud as fuck then kicked the roach back under the stall directly at my feet where it began to fly
— jake (@jakebrodes) August 31, 2024
28.
@Tim_Walz / Via x.com
31.
they injected me with mental illness when i was a baby because they didn’t like that i radiated moonlight and had stars inside my eyes . they were jealous of me
— perfect angel (@girl__virus) August 31, 2024
33.
I heard my toast spring up in the kitchen like 15 minutes ago but I don’t care. I just don’t care. Fuck that piece of toast. And fuck my life
— frewad (@Fredward3948576) August 31, 2024
34.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
— Star💖| Cosmetic Chemist 👩🏾🔬 + Esty bestie (@_Starsabreep) September 1, 2024
36.
It’s so wild that there are people who can identify cars by sight. Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp can see.
— Eize Basa (@PonchoRebound) August 31, 2024
37.
@moistarmpits / Via x.com
38.
i am not a passenger princess i am a passenger court jester. i must keep the driver awake, assist in navigation and tightly manage the music playlist. my hat jingles so that i may maintain my permanent front seat privileges and avoid execution.
— kat ♪ VALORANT ALBUM 9/6 (@Derivakat) September 1, 2024
