When a relationship ends, it may be easier to see exactly how toxic things were between you and an ex-partner. So when Reddit user u/OldNational asked: “What is a red flag that you chose to overlook that ultimately ended the relationship?” a lot of people courageously told their stories. Here’s what they said below.
1. “Constantly ‘joking’ about other people being better looking or smarter. At first, I brushed it off as humor, but over time, it became clear that those ‘jokes’ were actually digs at my self-esteem. Should’ve realized earlier that a relationship where someone makes you feel less than isn’t healthy.”
2. “Him constantly calling me names every other word. It’s not normal behavior.”
3. “Being indifferent to everything. They do not want to give an opinion on anything or be a part of decision-making, no matter how major it is.”
4. “Exclusively taking me on dates that were either extremely cheap or free. Often, I would notice that he wouldn’t pay for things because he seemed to know someone who worked there. I thought it was unusual but didn’t think much of it at the time because he owned a successful business and drove a BMW, so I knew he wasn’t hard up. He ended up being insultingly cheap with me and treating me like a maid/chauffeur because he didn’t want to use his own gas, pay for an Uber, or pay a cleaner. I also ended up paying for most of our dates because I was tired of McDonald’s Value Meals and actually wanted to do things like go to concerts and movies and have fun once in a while. It just made me feel unappreciated.”
5. “The derogatory way in which he talked about other women. I felt ‘special’ because (as far as I knew) he didn’t think like that about me. Turns out, he absolutely did, and his hatred was even worse when directed towards an ex-partner.”
6. “Setting little tests. Like: ‘I’m gonna do this and see how she reacts. If she goes off the deep end, she passes; she must love me.’ And then the bar went higher and higher. I deeply hope my children are more emotionally intelligent and aware than I was, and GTFO if anyone ever pulls that shit on them.”
7. “The earliest sign was being possessive over me. It’s nice to be wanted, and I think that wanted feeling got me confused in the beginning. It first looked like he did not want to have me hang out with my guy friend alone at night, even if it was in a backyard. It then looked like him not want me to dress and act inappropriately, according to him. It then looked like him acting aggressively if a guy approached me and his sister at a bar where he was just a few feet away and putting his hand on the guy despite us handling the situation.”
8. “Constantly calling me when I say I can’t talk because I’m hanging out with friends or in class and then proceeding to accuse me of cheating.”
9. “His inability to express his feelings, especially affection. At first, he’d fake it, and I was too naive to know the difference. As time went on, his priorities shifted to only him, and loving someone else was an afterthought.”
10. “He couldn’t communicate when things were bothering him. Little things turned into big things.”
11. “There were many, but the earliest one I can remember was him helping me off a wall I was going to jump off of on my own (help I didn’t ask for, but he was eager about it and trying to be romantic) and something happened: I think I placed my hand somewhere and it slipped into his side, but something happened where he got hurt. That man berated me in front of his whole family, and I was so embarrassed and felt bad, but looking back, I realized he took it to an extreme.”
12. “A mommy’s boy. Never thought it was that big of a deal until I realized it was like I was in a relationship with his mother. Shit went to hell when he complained about me to her and lied. When I called him out for his lies, his mother literally attacked me. I walked out. Bye.”
13. “Double standards. Like forbidding you from doing a certain thing when they still do it, then screaming at you in front of other people when you question them. Or looking down on other people for doing something they do all the time and are just too oblivious to realize it. Expecting you to apologize for something you never did, but refusing to apologize when they hurt you. Years later, I still can’t wrap my head around this kind of behavior.”
People who were in relationships, were there any early red signs that you wish you didn’t ignore? Tell us what they are and why in the comments below.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
